Do believe that you can know something for a long time and it is unclear when it will happen?
I'm not talking ESPN or ESP, I guess like a gut instinct.
When I was 18 or so I went to the OB for a check up. For some reason he told me that I was going to have a hard time having children and that I might never have kids. I don't remember anything else about the conversation but those few words. I remember writing those words down and thinking that is an awful thing to tell a young women, who wanted to have a family, who wanted to love children of her own. I remember years later when I was serious about a few guys and we were talking about marriage, that there was a possibility of this being a problem in our relationship if we were to get married. I don't know if that was the cause of those break ups or was a factor but I felt diseased when the break up would happen shortly after this truth was revealed. Thinking why then did Heavenly Father put me on this earth if I couldn't do the one job that I was sent here to do? Why would I have to struggle with knowledge that children weren't going to happen?
Looking back I knew that those pro-creating powers were going to be taken faster than I wanted. I knew that after turning 30 years old things were going to be harder and that if I was to have children it needed to be before than. That gut feeling never left.
When I met Mike I was nervous to tell him this fact about me that I might not or could not have children. He told me that if that was the case that we would work at it together and that it was going to be okay no matter what the outcome. I felt peace with this knowledge that he supported me, that he didn't think I was diseased or a mutant that couldn't have children. We know that I was able to have children two beautiful children That were sent to us. They are truly miracles.
When I hit 30, the problems started to begin again. Just like I knew they would. I have fought this knowledge for so long, knowing that one day I was going to have a hysterectomy. It's even harder to say out loud or on a blog. I feel I have tried everything to make the pain go away. Pills, shots, IUD, surgical options with having an ablation. But the ablation hasn't taken and then next road is the hysterectomy. Now that it will be happening (not until next year), I feel a little more peace. I feel like I have been preparing for this transition my whole life. Heavenly Father really does know me and knows that I have to be told something long before it could happen so that I can prepare myself for that feeling. It makes me feel foolish, when I don't listen.
Knowing that once that pain is gone it will not define me as a person, woman or mother.
I will be free. I can't wait for that to happen.
1 comment:
It is so difficult to hear the commandment to "multiply and replenish the earth" and then struggle with infertility, pain and other health problems related with getting pregnant and bearing children. I'm glad you have found comfort in your struggles.
Lice are NASTY!! Clara had lice last year and it was sick. Luckily, I found it before it got too bad and so we just used natural remedies: vinegar rinse, olive oil and nit picking for weeks. I hope it doesn't come back! But you're right, there's nothing you can do about it.
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