making a decision

A looming decision was made this year. I haven't been feeling well and when all the test were done, we were told that it might be something wrong with, my woman parts.
Mike and I had discussed about not having anymore children and knowing that I was going to not having anymore scared me a ton. I mean I always thought I would have 4 or 5 just like my friends. I wanted to be the "cool mom" the one who seem to have the great family, clean house, rockin' body, and got to stay home when the kids came home with all their friends.
Well I guess Heavenly Father had different plans in mind for me. I do have great children who are fun and active. A supportive husband that is always there for me when I need it. We have a nice house and things to go in the house. We also have good jobs to support us. I just wanted something that wasn't going to happen. When we were told that for further tests, I was going to need to have surgery. I had been dreading this moment. I knew that if I had the surgery that I would then just get my tubal litigation done as well. We made a choice for no more children and I didn't want to be in pain anymore so why not kill to birds with one stone?
So I went through with it this time. I made the appointment to have the surgery the day before Thanksgiving. I was already on vacation and so that way I would have the time off to recover. Other than feeling really groggy I felt great. Back pain that was my constant companion was gone. All the other pain that I felt on a regular basis seemed to be gone. I had three weeks off of work. It was nice to take that time off work even though I knew we would suffer a little financially. The first two weeks were more about my body recovering and than the third week was when the self pity set in. Or I should say self loathing. The realization that I might have made a mistake. I had many good cries. I was grateful for fantastic family and friends that listen and understood what I was going through. Especially my husband. I felt like I didn't have a purpose anymore, to not have children what else is there? I do know that I can be the best mom to my two children, rather than being a crappy mom if would have been if I had more. After watching Juno in the wee hours of the morning and crying through the whole thing. I knew I made a good decision. I'm sure I will have my pity parties again and again. But I do know that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me no matter what. He knows my trials and what I can handle.
Now I can be healthy, get my strength back and move on to the next adventures that are in store for me.